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My First Post
Feb. 18th, 2025 03:11 pmI was talking with a friend who recently lost her wife, and there I learned of this website. I myself lost my beloved Robin of blessed memory only this past September. The pain is still raw, and I needed a place to journal my feelings as I move forward. Thank you Catherine for helping me find this site.
The photo shown is my wife Robin. We began dating in September of '99. I am trans, so using a narrow court decision in Texas, we were able to secure a marriage license and were married in September of 2016. We spent 25 wonderful years together and though it does not seem enough, those years were a true blessing.
First I probably need to clarify my history a bit, because it is a bit convoluted. I grew up in Tyler, Texas. I knew early on (age 3) that I was a girl, and I tried for years to be the little man Mom wanted me to be. Furthermore, at puberty, I realized I was gay. Seriously, I should have known. I'd been bullied as the queer kid since the 3rd grade. So I came out in '67. Being queer in East Texas was scary, so in '73, trying to be straight, I married a lesbian woman trying the same. We made a go for a few years and even had a daughter. But in '77 we split up, sharing duties raising our daughter, but I living gay. I wanted to transition early on, but after my Mom said if she ever found out either of us were gay, she'd go to court to take away the kid. So seriously considering transition was postponed until she passed in '77.
Now understand, I did drag, but drag is performative, and I just wanted to be myself. In 1990, I met and fell head over heels in love with a man named Skip. Within a month, we could share a joke with nothing more than glances and minor movements. I told him one day at tea that I needed to transition. The man had never so much as dated a woman before, and I expected him to say goodbye. But he said, "I don't understand it. Communication will be essential. But I love you, and am not going anywhere."
So it was that I began seeing a therapist and preparing to transition. I began what they call real life test, and taking hormones etc. Something very strange happened. I started noticing women, and the first time I glanced at a woman for more than a second, he asked what was going on. I went from gay to lesbian, but I loved him and had no intention of leaving. We were together for seven years. He had Rheumatoid Arthritis, and a medication compromised his immune system. He went into coma, and in August of 97, he passed away. After grieving, I began dating within the lesbian community. After some false starts, I met Robin and found love again. Twice in a lifetime isn't bad.
So here I am, reinventing myself as I go. Grieving, but also moving forward. I have some writing projects I'm working on. One is a novel I wrote years ago, but never got around to the rewrite. The other is a memoir. Why memoir? I mentioned earlier a daughter. When I transitioned, she broke all contact with me. I love her dearly, but after all these years, I doubt I will see her in this lifetime. But she has a son, my grandson. Someday he may want to know more about me, hence the memoir. I'm 77 now, so this is up front and center. I may also explore photography again. Time will tell what I settle on. But today, an old Hebrew word, Hineni. Here I am.
The photo shown is my wife Robin. We began dating in September of '99. I am trans, so using a narrow court decision in Texas, we were able to secure a marriage license and were married in September of 2016. We spent 25 wonderful years together and though it does not seem enough, those years were a true blessing.
First I probably need to clarify my history a bit, because it is a bit convoluted. I grew up in Tyler, Texas. I knew early on (age 3) that I was a girl, and I tried for years to be the little man Mom wanted me to be. Furthermore, at puberty, I realized I was gay. Seriously, I should have known. I'd been bullied as the queer kid since the 3rd grade. So I came out in '67. Being queer in East Texas was scary, so in '73, trying to be straight, I married a lesbian woman trying the same. We made a go for a few years and even had a daughter. But in '77 we split up, sharing duties raising our daughter, but I living gay. I wanted to transition early on, but after my Mom said if she ever found out either of us were gay, she'd go to court to take away the kid. So seriously considering transition was postponed until she passed in '77.
Now understand, I did drag, but drag is performative, and I just wanted to be myself. In 1990, I met and fell head over heels in love with a man named Skip. Within a month, we could share a joke with nothing more than glances and minor movements. I told him one day at tea that I needed to transition. The man had never so much as dated a woman before, and I expected him to say goodbye. But he said, "I don't understand it. Communication will be essential. But I love you, and am not going anywhere."
So it was that I began seeing a therapist and preparing to transition. I began what they call real life test, and taking hormones etc. Something very strange happened. I started noticing women, and the first time I glanced at a woman for more than a second, he asked what was going on. I went from gay to lesbian, but I loved him and had no intention of leaving. We were together for seven years. He had Rheumatoid Arthritis, and a medication compromised his immune system. He went into coma, and in August of 97, he passed away. After grieving, I began dating within the lesbian community. After some false starts, I met Robin and found love again. Twice in a lifetime isn't bad.
So here I am, reinventing myself as I go. Grieving, but also moving forward. I have some writing projects I'm working on. One is a novel I wrote years ago, but never got around to the rewrite. The other is a memoir. Why memoir? I mentioned earlier a daughter. When I transitioned, she broke all contact with me. I love her dearly, but after all these years, I doubt I will see her in this lifetime. But she has a son, my grandson. Someday he may want to know more about me, hence the memoir. I'm 77 now, so this is up front and center. I may also explore photography again. Time will tell what I settle on. But today, an old Hebrew word, Hineni. Here I am.
